GHOST DREAMS

I used to believe that being the BEST is man’s duty to himself, that mediocrity is a crime and being the best is man’s only destiny, nothing less.

When I stepped in college, I promised that I’ll be the best that I can, so I spend all my time pouring in my academics knowing that my success will ultimately make me the happiest person in the world. I want to excel and that’s the only thing I’ll settle for.

I did have my glorious days. Getting perfect in my Chemistry midterms in my freshmen days and seeing my name posted all over our college paved the way for me. People begun to recognize me and this made me real proud about myself. I have been famous in my own right and my college begun to trust me in competitions. With the luck I didn’t know I possess, I won in some of them. In my second semester, I was first place in the Star Honors and I could never be more proud of myself. My high school acquaintances and teachers were very proud of me and I felt like there could be any better feeling than being the best. I started to get close to a lot of people and I know I’m getting closer to my dreams.

It was in my sophomore years when I realized something is amiss in my near perfect life. Despite all the glory I claim to have made of myself, I felt so lost, lonely, incapacitated, hollow and empty. I felt so miserable. I spend my weekends crying like a stupid. Everything just doesn’t make sense. I did not get into Cloud nine but I felt like I was just hanging in the air. I was groping in some darkness I did not know where. I felt like there is this pit in my heart that keeps getting deeper as the days go by. There is this nagging feeling inside me that gets me all confused. I succumbed to this loneliness and I embraced despair like a friend.

I was this miserable for how many months until I realized that I was actually missing something in my existence. And I am more than determined to search for whatever will complete this void.

There, I found GOD.

He was just there, and I did not see him. He was there all along.

He was just there in those times when my life revolves in the magnificence of my achievements. He was just there when my I clung for fame. He was just there when I defined my life by the number of trophies and certificates I bring home and the weight of the medals hanging in my neck. He was just there playing the cards for me. It was not luck that gave me what I have, it was Him. It was actually Him who gave me the prestige I claimed to earn on my own. He was just there, and I did not see Him.

I lost my glory days. There are no lime lights anymore. I stopped soaring on the success I have defined and worked hard to achieve.

I took the time to slow down, to soften my pace and see what is around me. That time, I saw the flowers. I saw my classmates. I saw them like I’ve never seen them before, because the truth is, I did not find time to look at them, or smile at them. I took time to think and ravel on the moments of my life, to look back of all that happened in my day and find happiness in them. I dedicated more time in thinking, in philosophizing, in looking at the great wonders of life. I began to see the little blessings I did know I have. I began to appreciate how blessed I am, my studies, my friends, my classmates, my parents. I began to see the world in a new light.

I don’t have to rely on my strength anymore. I don’t have to kill myself to gain recognition, because it doesn’t greatly matter now as much as it mattered before. Life has a new meaning now, and this time, there are no pits, no loneliness, no despair.

I don’t have to be the best in the world just to be happy. If I am not the best in the world by the world’s standard, I don’t really care. After I’ve done all the most of what I have, God will fill in the missing parts. The one I have is greater than anything in this world. I don’t have to rely on my self alone to make things happen because when we trust Him, he able to do anything according to His will. Nothing is impossible with Him.

I used to believe that success is everything, that all achievement lies in one’s effort to be the best. I thought that will make me happy, but I was greatly wrong. I was so wrong to cling to the things that won’t last. Time will come that all my achievements will be forgotten and my name unknown, but I don’t have to kill myself to leave a mark in this world, because what matters most, is the mark I’ll leave in the pages of the Great Book. And in real life, that’s what really counts.